An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a Sex Therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.  The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. 
She's married; so we can't go to her house.  I'm married;
and we can't go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $98. 
The Hilton charges $139.  We do it here for $50, and best of all....

Medicare pays $43 of it.

H/T Guy Bodere

Obama in Heaven

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader. As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said??.....You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

Maria, an Italian Virgin

Maria had just gotten married, and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her: "Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.  

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big, hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of
you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

 "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

 So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama--Tony's got a foot and a half!"

Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

H/T Guy Bodere

 


Geting a vasectomy

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

 



"Potentially" & "Realistically"

Young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.


REAGAN HUMOR

Love

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was
out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

 

INTERVIEW

What a great comeback to a typical, modern, politically correct idiot journalist.

Stupid Question... Excellent Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

 

 

KUTYAGUMI

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart

H/T Attila G. Kovács


3 New Navy Ships:

USS REAGAN 
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective...
ENORMOUS!




When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:
shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.  
Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.   

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can
operate for more than 20 years without refueling                

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft 
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going
150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3.   Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4.  4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6.  4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet 
 



 
USS BILL CLINTON 

The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1)
set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC





The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton
'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while
holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely
solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or
one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be
launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

 

USS  BARACK OBAMA

x

 
Details are  vague.
But don't you worry..........he has a plan

 Catholic Humor

  
   On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C, an aide to Congresswoman
Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told
the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and
he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation
and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are
issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a
donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation
you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the
money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and
seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Pelosi
was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Congresswoman Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some; the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."

 Catholic Humour
 
 
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the
 Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' 
moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'


Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

The Bear

 

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!


The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

A MATURE LADY

 

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

(H/T to Guy Bodere)

DONATIONS

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC .
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100  million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in  gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Lawyer Story

United Way realized that it had never received a donation from 
the city's most successful lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid 
the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.  The volunteer opened the 
meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your 
annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny 
to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to your 
community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research 
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful 
illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her 
ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't 
know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a 
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is 
unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is 
cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband 
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a 
mortgaged three children, one of whom is disabled and another that 
has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, feeling horrible, says, 'I'm so 
sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, 
what makes you think I'd give any to you?

  President Obama trying to cash a check 

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?  

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of Am ... Erica!!!!"  

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"  

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"  

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."  

Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check"  

Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"  

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"  

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

(H/T to Emery Dora)

Father Joseph                     

(H/T to Attila Kovacs)

 

 Two Coffees in Heaven!

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

(H/T to Attila Kovacs)

The Pope Visits Maine

The Pope took a couple of days off after Washington, to visit the rugged
mountains of Maine for some sightseeing.  He was cruising along the
campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, an 'Obama' cap and a 'Save the Trees' tee-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around, trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot huge black bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican logger with 'Go Sarah' tee-shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.  'I have heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied.   'He's in direct contact with Heaven and
has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't
know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we
need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

(H/T to Joseph Novak)

Heaven and Hell

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher up.  What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?  I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

 "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes  down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.  They are all having such a good time that before the Senator  realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.  The the elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."  The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a  barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his friends,  dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.  "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says "Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted."

2013
   
One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama.  I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here.  Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand.  I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention,
saluted, and said,

"See youtomorrow, Sir."

Why our country is in trouble?

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane?")

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, I looked into it. (I was dying laughing.) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. An aide for Senator John Kerry (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from AL who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu LA Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a 'Rhino' anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the State of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

 

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

 

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

CATHOLIC COFFEE

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim & tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God'."

California vs. Arizona

California :

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi", get
bitten by coyote and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only
doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends
$200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it..

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services
conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous
animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and
for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the
state.

Arizona:

Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A
coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50
on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

Any wonder why California is broke????

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. 

His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. 

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


(You're going to love the Dad's reply:)


'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,"In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer(cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

"In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."